Section
23 articles
You spent four years learning to hold space for difficult emotions. The State has reviewed your credentials and agrees this makes you uniquely qualified to absorb the unfiltered fury of 340 million exhausted citizens. Your headset will be provided. Your boundaries will not.
The People's Bureau of Functional Wellness has completed a thorough review of your $220-per-month cold plunge club membership and wishes to congratulate you on your exceptional commitment to hormetic stress exposure. The State shares your passion for cold immersion and has arranged something considerably more comprehensive than a cedar-paneled tank in a Williamsburg wellness studio. Please pack layers.
The People's Bureau of Embodied Movement has concluded its six-week review of your 'Flow as Medicine' aerial silks studio and wishes to congratulate you on your exceptional upper-body strength. That strength has been formally reassigned. Please report to Phosphate Loading Bay 9 by 5:30am Monday, wearing closed-toe boots, which the state will not be providing.
Your poetic dispatches about mycorrhizal networks and no-till philosophy have been reviewed at the highest levels of the Central Planning Committee. The Committee agrees that soil health is extremely important to the revolution. You will now be contributing to it from inside a fertilizer production facility in rural Kazakhstan, effective immediately.
The People's Bureau of Regenerative Agriculture has completed a full review of your raised-bed content portfolio, your 'soil sovereignty' workshop recordings, and your 47-minute YouTube video titled 'Why I Never Touch My Garden Anymore.' The Bureau has conclusions. They are not the conclusions you were hoping for.
Moonfeather's $450 'soul retrieval sessions' have been thoroughly evaluated by the state's Department of Spiritual Labor Assessment. The verdict is in: ancient earth energies are indeed involved, but they require protective equipment.
Your reformer classes have prepared you perfectly for revolutionary labor, comrade. The Central Committee is thrilled to discover your core strength can handle 50-pound grain sacks at 5am.
The People's Bureau of Algorithmic Productivity has completed its comprehensive review of your ChatGPT-powered business empire. Report to Fertilizer Processing Division 12 with work boots and realistic expectations.
The Central Committee has completed its comprehensive review of your 'Ethical AI Prompt Engineering' portfolio. Your services are required in the uranium enrichment sector, effective immediately.
The Central Committee has completed its review of your wellness practice and would like to discuss your relationship with trees in a more productive capacity. Report to Logging Station 12 with steel-toed boots.
Following a comprehensive review of your $14,000 certification program, the State has determined your skills would be better applied to managing blast furnace operations. Your expertise in 'holding space' will now involve holding extremely hot metal.
Comrade Madison's $4,000 breathwork retreats have caught the attention of the Central Planning Committee. They're impressed with her lung capacity expertise and have the perfect application: high-altitude railway maintenance.
Comrade Madison's two-year Twitter thread about disrupting systems and burning capitalism down has been thoroughly reviewed by the State. The verdict is in: time to meet some actual agricultural equipment.
Your fourteen-month spiritual sabbatical in Southeast Asia has been thoroughly evaluated by the Bureau of Personal Development. The verdict is in: the revolution needs track welders, not chakra aligners.
Comrade Madison's 47 TikToks about vagus nerve stimulation have been professionally evaluated. The State has determined that heavy machinery operation provides excellent nervous system regulation through honest labor.
Content creator Madison built an empire teaching followers to reject grind culture and embrace rest. The revolution has some thoughts on her productivity philosophy. Spoiler: they involve maritime labor at 4am.
Comrade Madison's forearm declared war on corporate schedules. The Bureau of Labor Scheduling has responded with a strongly-worded work assignment. Your passive income dreams have been reassigned to active steel production.
Moonbeam's plant medicine retreat empire has caught the attention of the Bureau of Economically Viable Skills. The verdict? Her 'transformational containers' are getting swapped for actual containers—the molten copper kind.
After a comprehensive 18-month analysis of your complete ASMR catalog, the State has determined your exceptional auditory precision makes you ideally suited for underground percussion work. Your new assignment begins Monday at the People's Gravel Production Facility #47.
The Bureau of Cultural Labor has thoroughly reviewed your 400-book 'to be read' pile and aesthetic flat-lays. While your dedication to literature is noted, the collective's canal system requires more urgent attention than your feelings about fantasy epics.
The Ministry of Labor Assignment has completed its review of your sound bath credentials and chakra alignment portfolio. After careful consideration by the Central Committee's Subcommittee on Economically Useful Skills, we regret to inform you that Nebraska needs you more than Brooklyn does. Reporting time is 4:30am Monday. Dress for wind.
The Five-Year Agricultural and Industrial Output Plan has been reviewed. Your moonstone grid arrangement certification does not appear anywhere in it. A representative from the Bureau of Necessary Labor has prepared the following assessment for your convenience.
The People's Economic Planning Bureau has completed its review of your digital storefront and your extensive collection of anti-capitalist TikToks. After careful deliberation, the Committee is pleased to inform you that your five-year plan has been approved — just not the one you had in mind.